Thursday, July 21, 2005

Weapons Of Less-Lethal Destruction

Dear God, run!
In the Pentagon's need to prove it's ability to create very expensive versions of older technology, we have reached a new level in riot control. Yes, world, our American penis is, indeed, larger than yours. We can prove it, too.

I kid you not. This is in fact a raygun.

The so-called-less-lethal weapon, shown above, is intended to microwave rioting people causing extreme heat and "intolerable pain" within five seconds of activation, according to Reuters.

Microwave. Intolerable Pain.

I ask you, what ever happened to the good old days of billy clubs and water hoses?

'So, what does this mean for ME, your average rioter,' you might ask. Well, for one, State Street on Halloween will probably never be the same. Our sleepy, 'progressive' city has the pleasure of hosting a yearly riot every October 31st. But this year, leave your glasses, contacts, and small metal objects at home. Engineers asked test subjects to remove these items from their person to avoid serious damage during weapons testing.

Cause God knows I always remember to remove these items before getting swept away in political demonstrations!

I just don't know how I feel about microwaving people... and I certainly know how I feel about getting microwaved. I'll have to rethink any of my revolutionary plans to avoid getting a very quick tan.

...and who volunteers to get microwaved, anyway?!?

"Excuse me, sir, but may we microwave you?"
"I don't think that I should..."
"In the name of American Patriotism, of course!"
"Oh, in that case, microwave away, my good man!"

And how will we adjust the pain settings for people of different ethnicity than our own? Too many complicated questions to answer, in my opinion. However, we are once again safe from any rioters that were not susceptible to rubber bullets, tear gas, tasers, high pressure water, and physical barriers. Thanks to a multi-million dollar investment, I can sleep soundly again.

I'll worry about affording universal health care tomorrow.


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